Ch. 8: Decision
I had a dream last night where I was back to my childhood home. I was outside playing in the yard with some hotwheel cars in a big patch of dirt on the side of
our house. I had a bucket of water that I was using to make a muddy mess. I was a muddy mess. But I was having so much fun! I remember thinking that it was nice to be home again, but Mom would be mad at me for getting so dirty, but I didn’t care.
A Past Decision
All of a sudden there was someone standing next to me asking me if they could play too.
It was a kid from my neighborhood that I never got along with at all. We had some battles, him and I. I can’t remember his name, but we were always fighting. One day we finally had the “Ultimate Battle” and arraigned to settle everything over one big fight. It was sort of epic as far as 4th graders go… It was staged in a vacant lot across the street from our house. We planned on it happening right after school. It was the talk of the school actually. Kids from other neighborhoods even showed up to watch. Two of my older sisters were there too. Now this was a long time ago, but from what I remember, there must have been 50 kids who came to watch us fight. I was really scared because I hadn’t won many battles with this kid, even though I was bigger than him. He sure wasn’t afraid of me. But in my mind I decided that this fight had to happen or we would always be fighting each other. I figured that one big fight would end it all. I went into the fight expecting to lose. Expecting that if he kicked my butt, it would all be over and I was just hoping to get a couple good shots in there to save face.
Well, the fight started and was over before anyone could blink. The kid hit me and I dropped like a stone. Then he jumped on me and started wailing away. I heard my sister in the distance telling me to roll over to throw him off me, but all I did was roll over under him so he was on my back. That made it worse. He just grabbed my hair and beat my face into the grass. I was crying now and begging for him to stop. Finally my sister pushed him off me and I got up and ran home.
My plan didn’t work. Everything got worse after that day because now the other kids thought I was a wimp and didn’t mind reminding me of the fact every chance they got. The absolute worst thing that came out of it was that even my Dad teased me over it. I think it embarrassed him somewhat that I didn’t even put up a fight with the kid. That turned out to be the last fight we had because I guess he finally just got bored and went to pick on someone else.
Anyway, back to my dream. All those emotions came flooding back when I saw him standing there. I was ready to get up and run, but he told me not to worry. He said he’s seen how much I’ve changed my life and he wasn’t going to hurt me anymore. He said he loves me. I looked up at him and it was me standing there.
I instantly woke up and started crying. I had to leave the bedroom so I wouldn’t wake Tianne. I went into the bathroom and probably cried for another 20 minutes.
You see, I think that dream was telling me that I’m finally in a place where I love myself and I’m not going to beat myself up anymore. Yeah, that kid from my past wounded my ego and my pride, but that was nothing compared to my own hate of myself. I’ve been harder on myself than anyone else in my life, even my Dad. Well, he’s gone now. And for all I know, that kid picked on someone who kicked his ass. Who cares?! I’ll never know and don’t want to know.
The past is the past. No matter how many times I replay that stupid fight in my mind, it never changes. That fight and the results of it don’t define who I am inside. What’s funny is, out of all those 50 or so people there, I’m probably the only one that really remembers it anyway. For most of them, it was just two idiot kids fighting each other. We were their entertainment one day after school. So by me letting it bother me all these years is really silly. It’s nothing more than a memory at this point.
My Best Decision
I made a decision about a year ago to finally own my life. I decided to take this seriously. Michael advised me that in order for things to change I had to start loving myself. My past didn’t matter. My Dad didn’t matter. What mattered was that I finally learn to love myself. By doing that, all the anger, all the frustration, all the loathing would end.
You know what? He was right.
Love you guys!
This lesson on Decision was reprinted with permission from 30 Day Mental Cleanse: http://30daymentalcleanse.info/index.php/topic,7557.0.html